Thursday, August 13, 2009

Knowing Your Place

Approximately fifteen years ago, (my God has it been that long!?) I started working at one of the largest foundations in New York as a program assistant. I had just finished my Master's degree in international affairs. I was what my boss called "a cracker jack". I was hot shit, I knew it and took it for granted. I even changed my title the first week to Program Associate! (Ironically, that foundation program came to be known by the same title!) Upon arriving my first day at work, I was told I was to receive no secretarial support by the head secretary, yeah whatever....You see it had never occurred to me to "know my place".

One day, one of my peers, another program associate (assistant, oops!) by the name of Sharon came into my office and said something along the lines, you know something Armando? you are so entitled, just like a white person. I turned to her, and in confusion asked, what? She responded, "no I mean that in a good way, you don't act like a minority, you act like someone who just walked out of a country club. You're just Armando, that is who you are." I was not sure what to make of her statement and our conversation at the time, but I took it as a compliment. A few months later, I was elected to membership at the Council on Foreign Relations, a prestigious members-only organization in New York from which Secretaries of State, Treasury etc., are chosen and includes leaders of industry like Ted Turner, and Nobel prize winners like economist Joseph Stiglitz.

Fast forward fifteen years later, still recovering from cirrhosis of the liver, homelessness and fighting my drug and alcohol addictions, I am having lunch with my now medical doctor friend Sharon in San Francisco, and with great excitement I tell her, "I have found the key to all the problems with life, mine in particular: humility." To be truly available and of service to others and to yourself you have be somewhat humble. The only problem I told Sharon, is that I am not a humble person. She smiled and quietly responded..."No you're not." We both busted out laughing. I must admit I had trouble with this notion of humility and have been perplexed by it. You must understand that for me humility meant you had to play small, practice self-deprecation, etc. As it turns out, my father taught me the opposite, to be proud, "Always remember who you are and do not take shit from anyone." Now I am learning that pride is what can get in the way of compassion, for yourself and others. To feel true compassion is to put yourself into someone else's shoes, to connect to the rest of humanity in all its wonder and defects.

Now, I recently came across a reading on authentic humility. Authentic humility is about living in the truth, the whole truth of who you are. It mean knowing your place and taking it! To be truly humble is to take stock of your gifts, talents, abilities, wisdom, limitations, weaknesses and ignorance--all of who you are and place it in the service of others. Is it not odd that I would finally begin to learn this lesson as a homeless man living in one of the most depressed and drug infested parts of San Francisco,and after having stared death in the face a few times and come out the other end. I now know I have been put on this earth to be of service to my Lord and my fellow man, and I am sometimes slowly, and sometimes quickly learning in just what capacities.

Finally, I am reminded of a quote that is incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela in his Inauguration Speech, 1994. It is actually from: Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson and it reads:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I also came across the following wonderful poem by an Indian author on the Internet, that prompted me to start working on this blog; in all its irony.

Knowing Your Place by Sita Kapadia

If you would but only know your place,
Curb your ambition for others' domain,
You would not have to suffer so much pain--
-Stepped on, passed over, treated as menace,
Or garbage. You would never have to know
The raw wounds of wrenching separations,
Aborted babes, or ruthless evictions.
Annoyance will grow bigger as you grow.
In a realm ordered against transgression,
Resentments rise, though with you no fault lies.
I, for one, hold you in as high estimation
As any reigning focus of all eyes.

Those who hear me say, "She speaks of women
Of these days. So forward, over-reaching,
Crossing bounds!" Well, I know I'm just speaking
To you, Mentha, spade in hand in my garden.
Wholesome, perennial, primal perchance
-Spearmint, peppermint, applemint and more
-Every one, in spite of all, a survivor,
Raising proud, pretty head with nonchalance.
But in my words admiring your forward darts,
Undaunted in every well-guarded place
Some may hear thumpings of their guilty hearts,
That hardened long, hurt now for lack of grace.



To be continued......

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Sita Kapadia, born and educated in India, is a CUNY professor of English, emeritus. A versatile educator, writer, poet, and artist, she brings her rich multicultural experience to her work. Now in Houston, Kapadia tends her family and her garden and is currently writing a biography of Kasturba, wife of Mahatma Gandhi.
© 1996, The Women in Literature and Life Assembly of the National Council of Teachers of English (ISSN #1065-9080). Reference Citation: Kapadia, Sita. (1996). "Knowing Your Place." WILLA, Volume V, p. 20.